Barbados offers a number of marketing mysteries...I'll start this feature off with a couple that come to mind, and add others as they rear their ugly heads. (Newest posts are on top)

• As promised "every sence", here are a couple snapshots of the Eagle Hall Market. Note the cutout letters in the unfinished metal sign.

• When I began my career in advertising and copywriting, I was somewhat thrown by the idea of collective nouns. Back in Amurka, we tend to treat these as singular, as in "New York has a chance to win the World Series." Since British rules generally hold sway here, I was urged to adopt their approach (you'd think they invented the language or something) and say "Barbados have a chance to win the series." I remember observing at the time that the rule can have silly results, like: "There are many Caribbean islands, but there are only one Barbados." Now, lo these many years later, someone has come up with a train wreck of a headline for a magazine ad that comes awfully close to my satire. Ready? Here we go:

"There is only one Drapery Specialist in Barbados...

who also make furniture."

(Argh.)

• Nice to see you again, it has been a while. I've wanted to comment for a long time about a TV ad and jingle for a travel company, and have resisted because a friend and associate was involved in the production. However, since he didn't write the lyric, maybe I can get away with the observation. One of the cardinal rules of jingle writing is to avoid words that have no workable rhymes at the end of your verses. This is why songwriters and jingle writers end lines with words like "you" or "see". When it comes to the word "travel", however, my songwriter's rhyming dictionary shows only three possible rhymes: Gravel, Ravel, and Unravel. So, when our intrepid lyric writer in question painted himself into a corner with "travel", his solution was:

"Indar Weir Travel Centre...

making it easier to travel

dum de dum de dum de dum

let us help your world UNRAVEL."

(Not really loooking for any help with that, Indar, but thanks for offering.)

• Barbados has its own unique way of pronouncing certain words, and it can be charming, but perhaps not when it's a company's reception system. I remember observing long ago that when you call our leading beverage manufacturer, you get a recorded welcome to the usual voicemail hell saying "Thank you for calling BANK's BEW-ER-IES." What's worse is that the same recorded message has been used for at least the last three years and perhaps longer. Worse yet is when you do your usual punch-the-zero-to-speak-to-a-human-being move, and the human receptionist says "BANK'S BEWERIES...how may I direct your call?" I'm thinking that a fairly basic requirement of any receptionist is that they be able to pronounce the name of the company they represent. I'll have to do a little more research to see if there are other examples like "thank you for calling Olympus Cinema, today's FLIMS are....." or "Queen Elizabeth HORSEPITTLE....may I help you?" Anyway, I'm going to have to visit Bank's one of these days and do the tour so I can meet the Bewmaster.

• More continuing adventures in excellence. Yours truly visited the island's leading video club on a Saturday afternoon to rent two DVDs. How much? I ask, to which the woman says " $10 to return Sunday, $13 to return Monday". I said I'd try for Sunday but it might end up being Monday, and pay my $10. I return on Monday with the DVD's and tell her I owe her $3. Not so, she says unsmilingly. Late fee is $7. I tell her what I was told when I rented, and she doesn't care. I finally say ok, here's a choice for you....charge me $3 and enjoy my continued patronage, or charge me $7 and never see me again. She shrugs and says $7. Lovely doing business with you, Chubbie.

• Adventures in Service Excellence #2031: Within eyesight of Barbados Government Headquarters on Bay St. is a traffic light which says stop and go at the same time. Within 200 yards of Barbados Light and Power is a totally dark intersection (Aquatic Gap leading to Grand Barbados and the Hilton) screaming for a streetlight. Within eyesight of the Road Planners at MTW is the most problematic intersection in Barbados ( at Pine Hill Dairy), where a poorly-timed traffic light backs up traffic for MILES in either direction for the benefit of a handful of cars entering the ABC highway from Pine East/West Rd. (Convenient for MTW workers, inconvenient for every other driver in Barbados.) Good luck with that total excellence by 2007/World Cup business if you can't address the problems under your own noses.

• More Adventures in Service Excellence, episode 37: I succumbed to the full page press ad announcing C&W's last day of their ADSL promo and decided to sign up. The ad told me to call a 1-800 number to order. After at least 20 minutes of hearing a happy voice telling me how easy it is to get broadband, alternating with Pita Alleyne telling me how important my call is to them, I got a human being. I assured her that my line has already been checked and is A-OK for DSL (she sounded doubtful), and was all set to give my info when she asked if I had internet now. I said yes, and she told me to go to Caribsurf's web site and order on-line. I asked if perhaps since I'd already invested 20 minutes in both C&W and Pita's voice, I couldn't just order with her, and she said no. I guess my question would be THEN WHY DID YOU PUT THE FRIGGIN' NUMBER IN THE AD? Fortunately, Market Ninja is known for his restraint.

• As someone who appreciates good writing and is sometimes whacked in the head by terrible writing, I am compelled to comment on a radio spot on behalf of Scotiabank. I had several opportunities to hear it while waiting on hold to speak to an actual human being. Here's the actual cringeworthy opening line of the spot: "Scotiabank's Residential Mortgage Plan makes your dream home not an impossibility. " So I guess what you mean is that it makes my dream home a possibility, right? Bravo to Scotia for choosing to have radio copy written by a graphic design studio operated by an Internet company.

• Hats off to SuperCentre for their "summer promotion". After weeks of accumulating entry forms, MN decided to fill them out in one go, noting that it was the very first NAVY BLUE entry form he'd ever seen... making it diabolically hard to even see what you've written. We then visited the supermarket, forms in sweaty hand, only to be told that THE COMPETITION FINISHED YESTERDAY. I guess if the geniuses who came up with the promotion might have INCLUDED THE DAMNED CONTEST CLOSE DATE ON THE FORM,the Market Ninja might have had a shot. Total excellence by 2007, eh? Best of luck.

• After a number of viewings, I've identified what bugs me so very much about the Caribsurf ad where a "granny" type astonishes a couple of kids (nice try on that astonishment, kids) with her knowledge of modern music, thanks to the power of Internet. It's a good idea, just too bad it fails in the execution. In my humble (cough) opinion, Granny fails to convince us she has a clue what she's talking about. Instead, she's very obviously reading a bunch of totally-alien-to-her copy from a cue card, which misses the whole point. Better to have had her assert TO THE CAMERA a shorter and more convincing speech that would show she really did learn something from the net. Does everyone just use the first take these days?

• Towering above all others in this nefarious collection is a marketing initiative that takes the Ninja's breath away, and may be responsible for making him find a different career. A Bajan company is giving away a new Toyota Corolla to one of their lucky customers, in an exciting November Independence Draw. So what, I hear you mutter? Just this. It's a FUNERAL HOME. That's right, one lucky mourner will be dancing on his loved one's grave when he takes home A NEW CAR! PLUS, the more deaths in your family, the MORE CHANCES TO WIN! On the plus side, they haven't done a jingle for the campaign. Yet. On second thought, maybe it deserves its own page....

• Our local supermarket is in a rapidly-developing area with some ludicrous traffic problems (like sitting at the Warrens roundabout for 10 minutes looking for a car-sized hole in the steady stream of traffic). The supermarket management has decided to bring order to their chaotic parking lot with an ambitious traffic plan. Methinks it will require 9 or 10 traffic cops to enforce, but at least they have good intentions....

• Reader Rosie thinks we should make mention of the new lottery slogan "It pays to be a player". Yes, it does conjure up mental images of pimps, hoes, and bling, but IMHO it's not the worst offender out there. (see above)

• Congrats to Barbados clothiers "Moods and Options" on landing an agreement to use a vocal performance by Sade in their TV spot, must have cost a fortune. UNLESS they just whacked it in without permission, in which case it might cost a fortune at a later date.

• So many travesties, so little time. In the Why Art Directors Need Copywriters Department, a regional tourism publication contains a gorgeous full-page ad for an advertising/communications firm....arresting visual, complete list of services, all the reasons why you should contact them, and one good reason why you can't....NO phone number, address, email address, not even a mention of which Caribbean island they might call home. Wowee.

• It could well be pointed out that this page is just a rant focused on the negative aspects of Barbados/Caribbean advertising, and could at least once in a while highlight something the author found that is creative and well executed. An idea worth considering, to be sure. However, one works with what one is given.

• Our local Egg and Poultry Association now has press ads with a cartoon egg named "Eggie"and the blunt message "Eggie says it's ok to eat eggs every day!!!" Sounds good to me...I have no problem accepting medical advice, especially from such an objective source. And the three exclamation marks help persuade me too.

•This one strikes me very funny. A local clothier has a full page ad promoting the latest hip and trendy men's wear for the season, and a stupefying tag line: "Add edge to Easter." Wow....you mean someone being crucified and rising from the dead isn't edgy enough for you????

•A barbecue takeout place put up a fairly large sign with a new slogan under the name" "For the taste that makes you go 'HMMMMMMMMM.' " (If I like something, I would maybe say "MMMMMMM." If I couldn't tell what I was eating, I might say "hmmmmm.")

•Our local fast food monopoly (think McDonald's with no Burger King or Wendy's) commissioned some bus stop bench advertising with a priceless slogan: "Flavour stops here." (Good tie-in with the bench, but do you really want your customers to say goodbye to flavour?)

• Eagle Hall Market. Not really a marketing issue, but if architecture is really music set in stone, this is the London Philharmonic....going off a cliff in a flaming bus. I'll furnish a picture soon. For now, just consider that the vendors inside get wet underneath this (fairly) new avant-garde monstrosity when it rains.

•Back to the bus stop bench again for an ad featuring a large appliance/furniture store. The tagline says "Adding value to your life." (A bit of a reach there.....given that their primary business is in financing those stoves and couches, maybe they should instead say "Adding interest to your life."

• My first reader submission! A local lumber company has the amazing slogan: "A little wood goes a long way." Nyuck, nyuck. No points for subtlety, taste, or marketing.

• A local supermarketeur (?) with his own ideas on advertising is airing a TV spot absolutely packed with non sequitors...it begins by showing 6 common products with the breathless voiceover (by guess who?) saying "Not One.......but ALL SIX of these items must be sold! Proper!!!!" They're not BMWs Mr. B., they're bottles of detergent...and a little context would be nice before you pelt your signature phrase in there. Someday we promise to tell you about his "splash kabong" campaign.(Addendum: seems he's really saying "these items must be sold at proper, proper prices." No matter, still dodgy. And people still buy his groceries.)

More submissions welcomed.